PADDY FITZ, STAFF WRITER
December 18th - Police in the Camp Hill area have suddenly seen a sharp increase in crime. Sergeant Jack Florey confirmed the spike in reported incidents. "Holiday shopping always provides ample opportunities for robbery," he explained. "But even taking that into account, we've had a record number of calls."
Sergeant Florey also admitted that the nature of criminal activity was puzzling. "These aren't your usual purse-snatchings. There's been a lot of vandalism; strange graffiti, not even English. And just yesterday some guy in the middle of a parking lot started screaming that the sky was staring at him. We eventually had to call the nice young men in their clean white coats."
Administrative staff at local Ashton Asylum confirmed the assessment. "It's like it's been a full moon all week," Dr. Charlotte Perkins said. "Fortunately, most of the behavior is not dangerous. An increase in melancholia, one or two tantrums. Agoraphobic tendencies seem to be aggravated, and yet a number of patients have told me they want to see the sun. A lot of writing on walls; our supply of crayons is dwindling rapidly."
Intrepid weatherman Michael Malloy advanced an unusual theory about the occurrences. "It's all down to those kooks in Idunn," he expounded. "Everyone knows they follow some weird religion down there, and they're holding one of their own captive for some ceremony. And the police won't do anything about it!" Kudram police did, in fact, visit Idunn recently after complaints about the "missing" girl, but could take no action due to lack of evidence.
"They should just let me go in there and bust her out," Malloy exclaimed. "I mean, what can they do? They can't kill me!"